Best Report Ever.

So, this essay.  Report.  However you want to say it.
Only report that I have ever gotten full credit on.  And I had no help whatsoever.
So.  Here it is.
Enjoy.
I know you will.

How The Merryweather Family Got So Dang Ripped.

One day, a few years back, there was a man.  This was an ordinary man. He was 

what you would call a modern day redneck named Billy Merryweather.  He was out working in the fields one day when he stumbled across an injured weasel-dog.  He was about to put it out of its misery when he heard it say, “Wait. Don’t kill me.  If you can heal me I can make your life awesome!”  So, he took the animal home, and healed it.  When the weasel-dog was all better, he told the man, “Thank you so much for healing me.  For this, I will grant you 3 wishes.”  Well, the man thought this was almost the coolest thing that has ever happened to him, except for that one time he won a years supply of rice pudding.  He thought that was pretty darn cool too, but that’s a story for another day. 

He thought about what he could wish for. It could be anything he wanted.            Maybe a donkey to ride into town? That would be sweet, but because he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, he used his first wish for a gallon of ice cream. 

The weasel-dog looked at him with a stupid expression.  He asked him if that was what he really wanted to waste his first wish, but before Billy the redneck could answer, there appeared a gallon of  Rocky Road ice cream in front of him.  So, Billy sat there for the next 28 minutes and ate himself some ice cream.  He enjoyed it very much. 

For his next wish he wanted to not be so hot when he was working in the fields.  So, he wished for a way to make it not so hot when working in the melon patches during the day.  He slept and had the greatest dream.  He dreamt of himself, working in the field, and he had no shirt on.  And that is why rednecks don’t wear shirts too often.

His third and last wish.  He didn’t know what he should wish for.  He used his brain, which rarely happens, and he though of something that would make himself happy, and his great grandchildren after him.  He approached the weasel-dog.  The animal asked him if he was going to wish for something stupid and worthless again, but Billy said no.  He had thought of the perfect wish.  He went up to the weasel-dog and said.  “I wish that myself, and all the Merryweather’s who come after me will be very ripped.  Ripped as in strong.” 

So, the weasel-dog granted him his wish, and left to do whatever weasel-dogs do.  And Billy, he found a girl and had a few kids.  And that, is how the Merryweather family got so dang ripped.

It's a little long. 

But you know, it is awesome.